So, confession of a ..

A week has passed, but I know there are still a whole lot to go through. Craving in the morning and evening has reduce drastically by the day. However, post-meals remain my main weakness.

Yes, I've decided to go on a serious quit off this habit, an addiction for 8 years. Now, let's look at what has happened in the past 8 years.

Why start?

It was something everyone was doing. It felt right. I was 18 and was staying away from home. Eugene and I were sharing a pack of 14's a day. It cost less than 5 bucks if I remember correctly.

Everybody else was smoking. After every game, it's almost automatic to get up from your seat, walk towards the exit, and light 1 up. It's a must! There's no such thing as going 2 games in a row without a smoke break.

It relieves the tension from the game, and it is a habit to light 1 up every 30mins in a mamak. It felt good.

There was only 1 solution for the tight chest I feel from excessive smoking the night before; another cigarette. 1st task of the day is to search for my cigarette and lighter!

Why stop?

Is that place going to have a smoking area? Is it in the open air? How far is the open air/smoking area? How long will this training take? Will there be a break which I can go for a smoke break?

I know it stinks, I just hope they can't smell it. Will this pack last me? I better buy another 1 in case I'm to lazy to go out later.

I don't want to go through all the concerns mentioned and kill myself slowly.

I don't want to let my parents go through what my uncle went through - watch his son die.

Or let them kids watch me die in the pain I chose.

Pride - I could overcome an addiction.

Tobacco bits in my pocket, gym bag, and car.

Without these tar compressing my lungs, I can definitely be fitter, faster and stronger!

I've also so far saved RM80 ^^

The withdrawal?

Yes, the withdrawal is fucking immense. It was bad for the 1st 3 days. As of now, sitting in open air Starbucks, having my Ice Latte, the craving comes every 15minutes, and last for about 3 minutes.

"It should feel like heaven if I can take a drag right now from that fine-ass lit up cigarette."

The nicotine rush to the receptors thus releasing dopamine at the back of my head will be awesome!

NO!

I can fight this, just take in deep breaths. This urge will go away. If I did that for the last hour, I can do that for the next hour! Call me crazy, but I think this mental strength came from...Pushmore. *shrugs*

Craving is 1 thing, habit is another. It has been a routine for 8 years. It's like losing a friend that made you felt like he/she was there for you all the time.

"Oh yea, I don't smoke anymore"

When I wake up in the morning

When I drive

When I finish an episode of Top Gear

When I'm done with an analysis at work

When I'm done with a 3 hours meeting

When I realize there's something missing from my pocket - its just the pack of cigarette I don't need anymore

When I...the list goes on..

I need to get used to what is non-smoking life is. It's so new to me now.

I was at the rate of a pack a day, which apparently is not a lot according to the pharmacist and respiratory physician.

My lungs are expanding and compressing at the rate of a healthy 25 year old, according to a lung function test I did. X-ray came in good as well. I'm on short-term meds to rebuild some lung cells too. :)

No, this post is not to show how great and awesome I am to be able to quit. This is to share what I've and am going through.

More importantly, this is to remind the future me, that I should be disappointed and ashamed of myself, if I ever pick them up again, after what I've been through, and the encouragement from so many people, to finally quit.

Last drag - 10.20am, 8th March 2012.