So, more than 100 days

More than a 100 days.


More than 100packs.


More than RM1,000.


More than 2,000 sticks.


More than 24,000 puffs.




SAVED :)


Let's do this!

So, he’s all grown up now

As he grows older, the more worried I get.

He will be turning 18 next week, and will be relocating to Sunway. He has always been the most loved. No, I’m not jealous. It’s only natural as he’s the youngest, smartest, and the most non-rebellious among the 3 of us. My sister has got into more trouble with my parents than him.

Looking at his Facebook pictures of him nonchalantly holding a bottle of Bacardi in clubs makes me wonder if he knows what he is doing. The crowd he is mixing with. The trouble he could get into, especially in Malacca.

Yes, I’m worried about my little brother, wonder if he drinks and drive, if his friends drink and drive, if some douche finds fault with the, and the list goes on.

This thought came about when I was in the same table with a younger bunch. They were having fun. There’s a fine line between having fun, getting bashed and bounced out. I was the oldest there, and being the most sober, I felt responsible to make sure they chill the fuck out. And so I did, I asked them to chill the fuck out.

And I wonder, does he party like that too? Does he know the consequence?

All I can do is tell him how dangerous it is, how it will end up, and what I’ve seen.

Then, it hit me I knew all these because I party and drank so much more. I drink then drive then sleep, till the point that I don’t really get hangover unless I was pissed – repeat for almost every week. Even on weekdays. My mum must have been shit worried about me. I’ve been lucky so far. I vaguely remember some rather kancheong moments. Sometimes, I don’t even remember anything. I’ve been lucky…so far.

There will be a time when we run out of luck.

So, confession of a ..

A week has passed, but I know there are still a whole lot to go through. Craving in the morning and evening has reduce drastically by the day. However, post-meals remain my main weakness.

Yes, I've decided to go on a serious quit off this habit, an addiction for 8 years. Now, let's look at what has happened in the past 8 years.

Why start?

It was something everyone was doing. It felt right. I was 18 and was staying away from home. Eugene and I were sharing a pack of 14's a day. It cost less than 5 bucks if I remember correctly.

Everybody else was smoking. After every game, it's almost automatic to get up from your seat, walk towards the exit, and light 1 up. It's a must! There's no such thing as going 2 games in a row without a smoke break.

It relieves the tension from the game, and it is a habit to light 1 up every 30mins in a mamak. It felt good.

There was only 1 solution for the tight chest I feel from excessive smoking the night before; another cigarette. 1st task of the day is to search for my cigarette and lighter!

Why stop?

Is that place going to have a smoking area? Is it in the open air? How far is the open air/smoking area? How long will this training take? Will there be a break which I can go for a smoke break?

I know it stinks, I just hope they can't smell it. Will this pack last me? I better buy another 1 in case I'm to lazy to go out later.

I don't want to go through all the concerns mentioned and kill myself slowly.

I don't want to let my parents go through what my uncle went through - watch his son die.

Or let them kids watch me die in the pain I chose.

Pride - I could overcome an addiction.

Tobacco bits in my pocket, gym bag, and car.

Without these tar compressing my lungs, I can definitely be fitter, faster and stronger!

I've also so far saved RM80 ^^

The withdrawal?

Yes, the withdrawal is fucking immense. It was bad for the 1st 3 days. As of now, sitting in open air Starbucks, having my Ice Latte, the craving comes every 15minutes, and last for about 3 minutes.

"It should feel like heaven if I can take a drag right now from that fine-ass lit up cigarette."

The nicotine rush to the receptors thus releasing dopamine at the back of my head will be awesome!

NO!

I can fight this, just take in deep breaths. This urge will go away. If I did that for the last hour, I can do that for the next hour! Call me crazy, but I think this mental strength came from...Pushmore. *shrugs*

Craving is 1 thing, habit is another. It has been a routine for 8 years. It's like losing a friend that made you felt like he/she was there for you all the time.

"Oh yea, I don't smoke anymore"

When I wake up in the morning

When I drive

When I finish an episode of Top Gear

When I'm done with an analysis at work

When I'm done with a 3 hours meeting

When I realize there's something missing from my pocket - its just the pack of cigarette I don't need anymore

When I...the list goes on..

I need to get used to what is non-smoking life is. It's so new to me now.

I was at the rate of a pack a day, which apparently is not a lot according to the pharmacist and respiratory physician.

My lungs are expanding and compressing at the rate of a healthy 25 year old, according to a lung function test I did. X-ray came in good as well. I'm on short-term meds to rebuild some lung cells too. :)

No, this post is not to show how great and awesome I am to be able to quit. This is to share what I've and am going through.

More importantly, this is to remind the future me, that I should be disappointed and ashamed of myself, if I ever pick them up again, after what I've been through, and the encouragement from so many people, to finally quit.

Last drag - 10.20am, 8th March 2012.